I have been extremely depressed over the past three or four weeks or so. I owe so many people money, small change for some, but huge for me. I am having a hard time attending school, getting my projects done and just getting anything done at all. Hygiene falls behind, the house is a disaster. How can this go on and on and on? I don't understand just how much I have to take before all is "good" with my world. I have been analysed, panellized, socialized, penalized, normalized.
I have been monetized, Demonetized, commentized, commercialized, sensitized, Desensitized. I don't want to visit people, I am lonely. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't answer the phone. I don't want to discuss my issues. I need to talk to someone. This is agony. This is insane. I hate it. These meds are working? I don't think so. I am in such a state I can hardly stand it. Thank God I see the doctor this week, twice in fact... if you can imagine that! No, I can't talk to him about myself while he is doing a PaP? Are you kidding? WTF are we going to talk about...him? I could hardly believe when they called a week or so ago and asked for TWO appointments in one week. Just another money grab for the DRs vs the government. Oh ya! I got my income tax back!!!!!! A whopping $64.05. Yes, that is right! I shopped for HOURS this past week, I really was running out of ideas what to buy NEXT!
I shouldn't complain, after all...that brings my monthly income up after all, something I have to report to the fucking Ministry. Gawd I hate the Ministry, they are the worst. They withheld my massive 110.00 cheque last month because I told them I did NOT get maintenance for Dec or Jan. ummmm, I was not asking for extra from them, I was, as usual, just being an honest ass. SSSsooo, another big ass deal over nothing. So I had to spend gas money to get down-town and grab my cheque, otherwise, they did offer to mail it? Are you kidding me? So I can be without it for MORE days? omg omg OMG.
I am supposed to be studying right now, about violence against women. Ya, that is what I want to hear about. That is what I want to think about. I skipped out on the second class last week about women and poverty. I was in tears during the first one and asked Richelle if I could miss it, of course, she said. She is awesome.
Did you know that a man demanding sex while married is considered violence? Did you know that is also considered rape? That even though I said no I really meant sure, I owe you, you own me? Did you know that a man ejaculating on your nightie while you read beside him, back to him, is considered violence? Degradation? Did you know that this shit still affects me after all these years? I know it shouldn't, but it does. I fucking well DOES!