Helen Of Troy

Helen Of Troy
"The face that launched a thousand ships"

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ramblings of the Day

Well, today is the 19th and I am in the midst of packing. I think this move will be good, some of the bills will be cheaper, although fuel for school will def. not. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks, most days up before the sun. Fighting once again with the Ministry over things that somehow get messed up from worker to worker. Steve had helped me fix the hydro issue, planning on sending them 52.00 this month, then starting the equal payments next month in the new place. But NO, this did not happen, I am short $120.00 on what I thought I was getting, Damage deposit is paid at new place. Now.. just how will I come up with the rent? I am going to bring a resume with me when I go to Cumberland today, see if the store needs anyone still.
        I am living with a terrorist right now. I am abused verbally and mentally. He is starting to damage things in the house, waits till just before we are moving, punches a hole in his door. How am I going to pay for that? My Terrorist is 19 years old, My Terrorist is my son.Yesterday, starting in the afternoon, the raging began. Raging against me, against friends, against anyone. Screaming at the top of his lungs "you are a bitch, you are an idiot, you are foolish and dumb." (memories of Dad come wafting down a heavenly path, only to cloud my brain further.)  I have chosen to live with this kind of person since I was a young girl. My dad was a terrorist also. I then married a man who mentally abused me for years (no access to money, sex threats, deviant acts on my person). I divorced that one. I then had my elder son mentally wreck me for years. (I had to take the blame for the divorce, according to them it was all my fault and that gave them the right) He chose to mentally attack me daily, mentally attack his young brother (we learn what we live) then throw stuff around the house also, wrecking everything I had inherited from my Mum. I still own these items, I am a hoarder, of course I do. I find myself in situations that I have NO control over. I have never had control. How in Gods name (any God you choose) can I let this go on and on, you say? Guilt. I am guilty of being a bad Mum because I divorced Dad. I also have a daughter, she chooses to school me as if I am the daughter and her the mother. I get in "trouble" from her. "why did you buy food and not pay all your rent"? "Why didn't you buy milk the other day when you were out?" I have OCD, one of my things in confessing, to anything. Telling my life story to my kids, they use it as ammo. I suffer from Clinical Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and a few other lables, I have forgotten what they are. I appear "normal" to most people. I appear "normal" as in I have a massive easting disorder, eating carbs because they are cheap, gaining weight almost daily. Daughter/Mum told me the other day I am too fat and why is this so?  I take medication for depression, three kinds. Citalopram, Wellbutrin (highest doses of both) and Clonazepam to help with anxiety. The kids ask why I am so stressed out and needy all the time. I dunno. Middle son has gotten over his parenting and terrorizing of me. Thank God. (whichever God you choose). I am afraid to be honest to my daughter any more, too. I am sick and tired of being schooled. Perhaps she doesn't know she is doing it? Perhaps her superior brain gives her the right? Hell if I know that one, either.
         What in God's name (any God you choose) am I going to do with my son? He is so full of hatred towards me, anxiety about the world itself and a total lack of any street smarts *he refuses to get a job, and if he does get one? Refuses to pay me rent, figures he will move out on his own* this could be a good thing, but I have no hope of it happening. I can see not too far into the future being kicked out of the new apartment, because of his raging. There is a store below us and neighbours beside us, right....He refuses to see a Dr, as I think his anxiety could be handled. He did take some meds last summer, he was bearable. Started feeling better, stopped taking them. He drove my car this past winter, no license. Got caught twice, car impounded (7 days before Christmas), almost $500.00 to get it out of there. He has around $800.00 in fines, he refuses to pay them *if he ever had money* because it is the government, he is anti government. He thinks he can live without a job. Without paying taxes, without voting. These are things he has NOT learned from me, I refuse to take the blame for those ones.
      If I could turn back time? I would have been a harder disciplinarian. I would have spanked, harder. I would not have let these people run over me, run over my psyche and run my self esteem into non existence. I am a shell. I have no emotions, I am told. I have no ability to cry. This is true. I have shut off any remnants of myself. Any semblance of me. I continue daily to stress, that is my emotion, that is me.
I hate me.
     
     

National Anti-Poverty Organization

Stats for some amazing women in Canada.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Depression and Poverty

I have been extremely depressed over the past three or four weeks or so. I owe so many people money, small change for some, but huge for me. I am having a hard time attending school, getting my projects done and just getting anything done at all. Hygiene falls behind, the house is a disaster. How can this go on and on and on? I don't understand just how much I have to take before all is "good" with my world. I have been analysed, panellized, socialized, penalized, normalized.
I have been monetized, Demonetized, commentized, commercialized, sensitized,  Desensitized. I don't want to visit people, I am lonely. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't answer the phone. I don't want to discuss my issues. I need to talk to someone. This is agony. This is insane. I hate it. These meds are working? I don't think so. I am in such a state I can hardly stand it. Thank God I see the doctor this week, twice in fact... if you can imagine that! No, I can't talk to him about myself while he is doing a PaP? Are you kidding? WTF are we going to talk about...him? I could hardly believe when they called a week or so ago and asked for TWO appointments in one week. Just another money grab for the DRs vs the government. Oh ya! I got my income tax back!!!!!! A whopping $64.05. Yes, that is right! I shopped for HOURS this past week, I really was running out of ideas what to buy NEXT!
I shouldn't complain, after all...that brings my monthly income up after all, something I have to report to the fucking Ministry. Gawd I hate the Ministry, they are the worst. They withheld my massive 110.00 cheque last month because I told them I did NOT get maintenance for Dec or Jan. ummmm, I was not asking for extra from them, I was, as usual, just being an honest ass. SSSsooo, another big ass deal over nothing. So I had to spend gas money to get down-town and grab my cheque, otherwise, they did offer to mail it? Are you kidding me? So I can be without it for MORE days? omg omg OMG.
I am supposed to be studying right now, about violence against women. Ya, that is what I want to hear about. That is what I want to think about. I skipped out on the second class last week about women and poverty. I was in tears during the first one and asked Richelle if I could miss it, of course, she said. She is awesome. 
Did you know that a man demanding sex while married is considered violence? Did you know that is also considered rape? That even though I said no I really meant sure, I owe you, you own me? Did you know that a man ejaculating on your nightie while you read beside him, back to him, is considered violence? Degradation? Did you know that this shit still affects me after all these years? I know it shouldn't, but it does. I fucking well DOES! 



Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Golden Ticket! (from the Care a Van)

The Golden Ticket to get my sore tooth removed on Friday! This is the way it feels, but it is also not really a prize at all, it proves, that after a rather hellish stand in the snow and rain for almost two hours, that my teeth are WORSE than other peoples there. I am super stoked that I got it. I am sad for those that didn't. A senseless emotion right now, considering they already HAVE the better teeth. Wow.  Strange days indeed...will keep you in the down low later Friday after my appointment. Likely with a face full of Novocaine.

As you can see

I am obsessed with food, my body, my body image, being hungry, being sad, being obsessed. Not only am I poor financially, I am clinically depressed. I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD), Clinical Depression, Agoraphobia Good Agoraphobia Site (the most intrusive in my daily living, thoughts etc.)

National Eating Disorder Information Centre - Know the Facts - Food and Weight Preoccupation

National Eating Disorder Information Centre - Know the Facts - Food and Weight Preoccupation

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Care a Van

We have in our valley a most amazing service. Dawn to Dawn is a service where there is a van that drives around looking after our homeless, our almost homeless and those in unaffordable housing. CareAVan, Comox Valley. This service is awesome and as sad as it is, I am going to have to use this service myself. I would never bump anyone who is in more need than myself. So will see how this goes on the 16th of Feb.
To all the people, volunteers and helpers, I salute you.

Wondrous Sunday

Well, another day starting (early cuz of the IsisKitten licking me awake@ 6!) I am still fighting with the Ministry. I suppose I will until my schooling is done, when I will fight them for others! lol.
I am to meet up with our local "Care a Van" *Care a Van info coming in next post*on the 16th to have my teeth looked at and an appointment booked for the 18th. I hope they can actually get a move on with them, I am sick of pain all the time. I will be writing to some local entities for help in getting dentures. I should have had them years ago, finally (hopefully!) going to have this happen this spring.
Billy had the crap punched out of him the other day, ground hog day,  then continuous vomiting. I was freaking as he booked himself out of hospital before any tests were done. By 6pm we were back there, non stop vomiting by this time and pumped up with Gravol , finally the puking had stopped. CT scan proved: no brain injury, Thank God...but broken maxiofacial (cheek) bones, sharded and causing bleeding, trauma to the head causing illness.  Since then, his whole face was swollen and now is going down, purple, yellow, black eye. I can actually see the caved in cheek, Tuesday a drive to Campbell River and see the plastic surgeon. WoW. Life can change in an instant. He is not a fighter, he is barely a man *5 days before incident* and there is no way in hell this should have happened. I am sorry Billy. I am sorry I had a friend who would do this to you. I will never forget the look on your face as he round housed and pummelled you beyond recognition. As I tried and tried again to remove him from you.  Screw him, too.
    Sometimes people just suck. Too bad this one had to be a friend. Or so I thought.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Ministry

The Ministry of Social Development and Something or Another has been trying to call me for a few days, there is NO way in hell you can manage to get back to them, so twice I had to drive down town to go there in person, just to have them tell/ask me whether or not I received payment for Billy in Dec and Jan. NO I did not, I said, just as I had stated on my monthly "we don't trust you" card. why in Gods name would I state I had NOT received money when they say I HAD? Is that not insane? So now, after another two trips down town *yes, I can afford this on the pittance, remember?* I now must go a third time, to take copies of my bank statements for that time period. ????? Are they kidding me? Well fine.. I will do that.. and every damn thing other than monies coming in? WHITE OUT!! I hate being poor, I am not really poor, I am BROKE (EN) and working on getting fixed. 
When I am done with school there will be no holds barred then, I am going to advocate for women/men just like me now.. below the poverty line... WELL below the "mean" poverty line. 
Fuck you to all you Ministry Folk

Women's Studies

I am taking WST 101 (that sounds soooo lame), which is a first year Uni course. I am loving it. I have already learned so much in a few short weeks and classes, I am amazed. I am going to continue down this avenue of study, I think... in the meantime, taking as many classes as I can get funding/grants for. I am still upgrading my maths which was really in bad shape. I am almost finally done with the one course... ready to start with part two. I am working on ratios and algebraic equations, crazy stuff, but I am getting it! I find out this week about this loaner comp becoming mine, which would be grand. Its pretty good, with all the right educational stuff loaded on it. I would love that.
My studies these next few weeks entail patriarchal society and hysterectomies. How come there are so many? So, looking up lots of info, stats and research.. I am actually rather flabbergasted by the results.
Enough for today..

Income of Canadians: Table 3 Percentage of persons in low income (1992 base after-tax income low income cut-offs)

Income of Canadians: Table 3 Percentage of persons in low income (1992 base after-tax income low income cut-offs)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Poverty in the current society

As I am clearly an nonprofessional there will be times when my writings are just a bunch of blither. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world right now, poverty is one of the main reasons for this blog, it is also a way of life for too many people. Child poverty is most prevalent in BC, Canada. We have had the dubious title of having the most "poor" children in Canada,  for 6 years in a row. This is sickening and needs to change.  
"The number of poor children in BC was 121,000 – more than the total populations of Campbell River, Mission, Squamish and Vernon combined." *cities in BC*
....more to come later :)

CURRENT MINIMUM WAGE RATES BY PROVINCE
PROVINCE MINIMUM WAGE EFFECTIVE DATE
ontario $10.25                                  March 31, 2010
newfoundland and Labrador $10.00  July 1, 2010
nova Scotia $9.65                             October 1, 2010
Quebec $9.50                                   May 1, 2010
manitoba $9.50                                 October 1, 2010
Saskatchewan $9.25                         May 1, 2009
Prince edward island $9.00               October 1, 2010
new brunswick $9.00                        September 1, 2010
alberta $8.80                                    April 1, 2009
british columbia $8.00                       November 1, 2001
         Source:Human resources and Skills development Canada on its web site. BC, which I think is now known as Ministry of Social Development and Something or Another.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Slippery

                                                                                                                        Page one

Slippery ©

“The slipperiest substance known to man”

            By all accounts, Teflon ® is the slipperiest substance known to man. It is this that I will base my story on. It is this, Teflon, ® which I will try to get a grip on, to hang on to, and to anchor myself and my family to. There are many things in this world that make things harder or easier for some people, some races, some genders and some courses of life.  Harder things are blockages. They are blockages of life, finances, and upbringing; there are blockages to merely living, to some.
            This is a story of the blockage in my life, not by my choosing, not by my making… but by the “Man”. We all know who the Man is. The Man is any shape, intellect or form of upper authority. It is slang for how the government, including its governing bodies, who prefer to talk to or treat anyone who is an “underling”. Being an underling is oppression. Being an underling is derogatory, and demeaning. There is a certain stigma involved, of course, as stigma seems to be associated with this type of living. It is downward and downhill. It is low living. It is under educated. It is lazy. It is lackadaisical. It has no gumption, no ambition, no need to evolve. It has no reason to carry on. It has no reason to be supported by the rich, the taxpayers, the doctors, lawyers, and burghers of our society. It has no reason, other than to be a burden on the existence of others. Perhaps if it has paid its own taxes at one point, perhaps if it has served our community, does it deserve to carry on? Does it then deserve to be the burden?

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