Well, today is the 19th and I am in the midst of packing. I think this move will be good, some of the bills will be cheaper, although fuel for school will def. not. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks, most days up before the sun. Fighting once again with the Ministry over things that somehow get messed up from worker to worker. Steve had helped me fix the hydro issue, planning on sending them 52.00 this month, then starting the equal payments next month in the new place. But NO, this did not happen, I am short $120.00 on what I thought I was getting, Damage deposit is paid at new place. Now.. just how will I come up with the rent? I am going to bring a resume with me when I go to Cumberland today, see if the store needs anyone still.
I am living with a terrorist right now. I am abused verbally and mentally. He is starting to damage things in the house, waits till just before we are moving, punches a hole in his door. How am I going to pay for that? My Terrorist is 19 years old, My Terrorist is my son.Yesterday, starting in the afternoon, the raging began. Raging against me, against friends, against anyone. Screaming at the top of his lungs "you are a bitch, you are an idiot, you are foolish and dumb." (memories of Dad come wafting down a heavenly path, only to cloud my brain further.) I have chosen to live with this kind of person since I was a young girl. My dad was a terrorist also. I then married a man who mentally abused me for years (no access to money, sex threats, deviant acts on my person). I divorced that one. I then had my elder son mentally wreck me for years. (I had to take the blame for the divorce, according to them it was all my fault and that gave them the right) He chose to mentally attack me daily, mentally attack his young brother (we learn what we live) then throw stuff around the house also, wrecking everything I had inherited from my Mum. I still own these items, I am a hoarder, of course I do. I find myself in situations that I have NO control over. I have never had control. How in Gods name (any God you choose) can I let this go on and on, you say? Guilt. I am guilty of being a bad Mum because I divorced Dad. I also have a daughter, she chooses to school me as if I am the daughter and her the mother. I get in "trouble" from her. "why did you buy food and not pay all your rent"? "Why didn't you buy milk the other day when you were out?" I have OCD, one of my things in confessing, to anything. Telling my life story to my kids, they use it as ammo. I suffer from Clinical Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and a few other lables, I have forgotten what they are. I appear "normal" to most people. I appear "normal" as in I have a massive easting disorder, eating carbs because they are cheap, gaining weight almost daily. Daughter/Mum told me the other day I am too fat and why is this so? I take medication for depression, three kinds. Citalopram, Wellbutrin (highest doses of both) and Clonazepam to help with anxiety. The kids ask why I am so stressed out and needy all the time. I dunno. Middle son has gotten over his parenting and terrorizing of me. Thank God. (whichever God you choose). I am afraid to be honest to my daughter any more, too. I am sick and tired of being schooled. Perhaps she doesn't know she is doing it? Perhaps her superior brain gives her the right? Hell if I know that one, either.
What in God's name (any God you choose) am I going to do with my son? He is so full of hatred towards me, anxiety about the world itself and a total lack of any street smarts *he refuses to get a job, and if he does get one? Refuses to pay me rent, figures he will move out on his own* this could be a good thing, but I have no hope of it happening. I can see not too far into the future being kicked out of the new apartment, because of his raging. There is a store below us and neighbours beside us, right....He refuses to see a Dr, as I think his anxiety could be handled. He did take some meds last summer, he was bearable. Started feeling better, stopped taking them. He drove my car this past winter, no license. Got caught twice, car impounded (7 days before Christmas), almost $500.00 to get it out of there. He has around $800.00 in fines, he refuses to pay them *if he ever had money* because it is the government, he is anti government. He thinks he can live without a job. Without paying taxes, without voting. These are things he has NOT learned from me, I refuse to take the blame for those ones.
If I could turn back time? I would have been a harder disciplinarian. I would have spanked, harder. I would not have let these people run over me, run over my psyche and run my self esteem into non existence. I am a shell. I have no emotions, I am told. I have no ability to cry. This is true. I have shut off any remnants of myself. Any semblance of me. I continue daily to stress, that is my emotion, that is me.
I hate me.
Helen Of Troy
"The face that launched a thousand ships"
